15 Second Review: White Settlers

It is worth clarifying from the outset that the marketing campaign for White Settlers - which ties the movie into the ill-fated Scottish independence campaign - is nothing more than an opportunistic ploy to get bums-on-seats. This is not speculation: the director, producer and writer stated as much in a Q&A following the screening I attended. This is unfortunate for at least three reasons: a) the devolution horror movie promised by the campaign would have been intriguing, b) White Settlers ends up being about nothing in particular, and c) the duped audience are left with the bitter realisation that the film-makers are entirely indifferent to the audience they have misled: that much is evidenced by the lazy dross viewers are expected to endure once they have paid. The narrative is not just thematically barren, it is utterly vapid. The plot (such as it is) is so painfully generic that the run-time is almost entirely constituted by scenes pilfered from other movies. The lead actors offer stiff/passable performances, but the central couple lack chemistry. Subsequently it is difficult to engage with their plight. The ending is being touted as "brave" in some circles. Others will feel it is anti-climactic (although the film would first need a crescendo to fall short from). My problem with the ending is that it was utter nonsense, although I look forward to the dry lawsuit that must surely form the basis of White Settlers 2: Dude, What About Our Mortgage? When I am feeling charitable, I think of White Settlers as a boring film and a missed opportunity. Yet, when I think about the money I spent to see the film, I consider White Settlers to be brazenly insulting. Viewers are advised to seek out absolutely any other backwoods horror film, as it will almost certainly be more compelling than this one. #NoOneWins